My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
You Might Also Like
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
listen closely
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Fluff me with a fork baby
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?