Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Friday
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.