its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
You Might Also Like
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Love this guy
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”