I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed