I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
do horses think humans are hats
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.