Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder