Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.