My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
They got Raph!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?