Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
San Francisco has too many rules
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.