*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
accurate
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.