I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You Might Also Like
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
This squirrel eats better than I do
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born