Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like