Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Support your local cemetery
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute