Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.