My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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She puts the hot in psychotic
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?