i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.