PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
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Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.