sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
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3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Not all heroes wear capes….
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie