A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
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Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”