“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Ghost costume 😂
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park