Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.