I feel seen
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
just having fun
Breaking news:
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen