Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
You Might Also Like
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Make new friends? bro out of what?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises