British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
just having fun
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.