You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*watches the world burn*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.