[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
found my next D&D character name
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*