WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
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Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
What about a To-Don’t List?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Thursday
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT