Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
You Might Also Like
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.