I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Can’t stop laughing
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.