Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
You Might Also Like
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.