Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.