Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
checking out some reviews of my local library
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over