Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
You Might Also Like
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
For the orator and chef in all of us
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”