you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure