The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.