You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
we’re dead?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
BETRAYAL
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up