If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Bootstraps
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
I created you as mosquito food.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
SF is the wild wild west man
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
🤣😂🤣