*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired