[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Good dog. ❤️
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest