1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Before & after 😅
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
where the womens at?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!