The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
you have three unread messages
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?