For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My nickname in high school was “who?”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend