Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Meow
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.