My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
You Might Also Like
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.