Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Monica just destroyed the internet
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I feel attacked.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma