Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
If only
can’t bark with your mouth full
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.