George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.