My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.