If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
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Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.