every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
step 6: release the wall snake
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.